Muffle with Goodness

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Playlist, Shut the chaos around you., Song

Hi guys! I thought to share the list of the songs in my favorite playlist. Also, I intend to keep a list for myself in case my phone would get stolen or lost again. These songs are a few that never fails. Hope you enjoy them too as much as I do.

1. Use Somebody. Originally by Kings of Leon. I loved the cover of (my other crush Alejandro) Boyce Avenue.
2. Eyes Open. Originally by Taylor Swift cover by Ali Brustofski.
3. Wonderwall. Originally by Oasis cover by Boyce Avenue.
4. Drive. Performed by Incubus. Can’t perfect playing and singing this song on the guitar.
5. Penny and Me. Hanson (one of my favoritests)
6. Can’t Let You Go. Performed by Cueshe. Probably my most favorite OPM song.
7. Loser of the Year. Performed by Simple Plan. I listen to the acoustic version of it. I think it’s a lot better than the original version.
8. Here is Gone. Performed by Goo Goo Dolls, again acoustic version. Although they  have little difference.
9. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall. Original by Coldplay. Cover by Boyce Avenue.
10. Face Down. Booyeeaaah! My fave song at highschool. Performed by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. they have an acoustic version but I like the rock better. I kinda think the acoustic kills the emotion of the song.
11. Mr. Brightside. The Killers. Cant seem to find the perfect version. A number have done a cover of this song. But I suppose the killers still did it best.
12. Wherever You Will Go. The Calling. Ahh. this. You’d be damned not to know this song.
13. Hanging by a Moment. Lifehouse.
14. Won’t Go Home Without You. Maroon 5. I mean sexaaaay.
15. You Found Me. The Fray. Also one of the not-so-old songs I have loved.
16. Beautiful Goodbye. Maroon 5.
17. Behind These Hazel Eyes. Kelly Clarkson. Would rather listen to Kelly that Taylor.
18. Heartbreak Warfare. John Mayer. 
19. My Stupid Mouth. John Mayer.
20. Burnout. Sugarfree cover by Johnoy Danao. Another OPM song.
21. Collide. Howie Day cover by Nate King. 
22. Count on Me. Bruno Mars. Another of the singer/songwriters I find sooo sexy.
23. Once in a Lifetime. Freestyle. OPM
24. Heaven Knows (This Angel Has Flown). Orange and Lemons. Another OPM song I strongly suggest.
25. Here Without You. Three Doors Down. Fave karaoke song.
26. How to Save a Life. The Fray.
27. One Last Breath. Creed.
28. Scar Tissue. Red Hot Chili Peppers.
29. She Will Be Loved. Maroon 5 classic.
30. Stacy’s Mom. Fountains of Wayne. And if I may add, It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy.
31. Summer Paradise. Best song of Simple Plan.
32. Sunday Morning. Maroon 5.
33. I’ll Be There for You. The Rembrants.
34. Strong Enough. Original song by Kina Grannis.
35. Superman. Five for the Fighting. A Classic.
36. The Best Thing I Never had. Beyonce. What goes around, comes around.🙂
37. Fast Car. Original by Tracy Chapman cover by Boyce Avenue and Kina Grannis.
38. Titanium. Original song by david Guetta cover by Madilyn Bailey.
39. Unbelievable. Craig David
40. Evidence. Urbandub. OPM song that goes…”caught you in the arms of another, I’ve been dying everyday since then…is he a better lover than I.”

So there you go peeps! My playlist. Enjoy!

Like a river ra…

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things that pop up my mind

Like a river raging down, you’d gotta ride it. Not to smash into rock, but to defeat the current that threatens to break your raft.

Lose Control. It’s the only way to you’d have control.

Alexander Supertramp Is My Brother by Soul.

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Into the wild

No combination of words has struck me hard as this one. Yet however hard I try, I always find myself conforming. Unhappy, I almost always end up unconsciously hurting people I care about.

I hope, one day, I’d finally- eventually- find the courage and spirit he possessed.

If I can file a divorce.

I don’t know what I want. But I am certain that THIS.IS.NOT.IT.

I wasn’t in love when I said yes. I know most of us aren’t. The only difference? I kinda had a choice. But at 16, I was too naive to realize what’s it’s worth. Worse, I watched as my life eventually have fallen far from what I have dreamed of. Making myself believe that I was okay. That this will all eventually pass. Constantly waiting for that something. Who am I fooling huh? Now life got pass me. There is no other person to blame but me.

Turning back all those years now is impossible, I can only hope for something good to come along. No. I think that, too, is a morbid way to spend the rest of forever. Next to settling for less. Lame. Pathetic. I’m going to be pushed deeper into this hellhole I’m already in. Hah! What choices do I have?

I gotta get out from here. I don’t know how, but I MUST. I must change me if I ever hope to be better. Kinda like what Liz did in eat pray love. ONLY, I’d have to settle for a much cheaper alternative. Ghad! I couldn’t possibly afford an escape around the world. Insanity are for the rich, and only for the rich!

Hmmm, favorite line in eat pray love?

“Have you ever asked yourself ‘What am I doing in this family?!’“

Lost. Really lost.

How To Be Friends After It’s Over

“Don’t tell me when you’re happy because I’d want to give you hugs during those moments too. I told you hugs are traps because they make my arms touch your arms and my chest touch your chest and make me smell your skin and make you whisper because you don’t have to be too loud anymore and when you whisper your lips are less than an inch from my…

See? Traps.”

Thought Catalog

I.

I will call you by your given name. Private nicknames are devious creatures; they make me feel like we have something that just the two of us have. There should be nothing that only the two of us have.

II.

Don’t tell me about your day.

Don’t ask about mine.

III.

Stop calling me on the phone. When we talk, you laugh a lot, and when you laugh I think of you happy and it makes me feel good and I want to make you laugh some more and only you and why does your voice sound like you’re smiling all the time? Make it stop.

IV.

I will provide you with my silence, give you space, because we need air and it’s getting harder to breathe when you’re near.

V.

Don’t tell me you’re tired from a long day, or you’re sad, or you’re confused or when you’re…

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Expression is Power

It is just about 5 in the cold Sunday morning when I found myself suddenly mentally and emotionally dragged away from my otherwise peaceful sleep. After having watched beautiful creatures late last night, my subconscious found a way to trigger odd ideas and turn them into a dream. (or perhaps it is just my body clock waking me up for that planned jog – which right now is not gonna happen because I am once again glued over the computer).

I don’t know if dreams are supposed to be remembered. Rarely do I recall every part of it. Maybe, it is too strong and depressing that my conscious forces me to repress. Maybe it is too unimportant that I fail to remember. But sometimes, even when I have no clue to what I had dreamt about, I get the strong feeling that something beyond my mind’s control had just happened. A clue, perhaps. A glimpse of the future. An expression I fail to express. For I am constantly choking on every thought I manage to make.

In my dream, there was power. Power to have control over things, not directly but still enough to make a favorable change. I felt it. I felt the overwhelming satisfaction of control, and then in some part I felt weak, vulnerable and hopeless. Although I cannot recall, I am sure that in my dream I am not the one of power. Perhaps I am both. Two versions of me I can chose to be. One that I ideally would have been, the other of what I have become.

In reality, the supernatural will remain, well, supernatural. But power, in any form is still power. May it authority, money, wisdom, or innocence, still, it is a power we can use to have control.

 

Some Tantrum

I dislike compromises. But I do not have the luxury to choose not to. Mostly, on all aspects of life. Well, at least at some.

Lucky are those who doesn’t have to go through hell on their way to landing their dream job. My dream job? Meeeh. Nothing that fancy. I just want to be able to work as a nurse and get paid a just amount as well. Preferably in a public hospital where my skills will be challenged. It don’t need to be high paying, but it would be a plus if it paid more than my monthly expenses. Allowing me to have occasional trips to the mall or at least support my mother’s medicine. Stuff like that. 

I complain a lot I know. But I’m sure I am not the only person who would rather live than survive. 

Just Another Story

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death, just another story, Life, Living

I used to love reading. I think I still do. But the overwhelming stories raining all corners of the Earth drains my energy at the very moment I lay my eyes on it. Or maybe, I just got tired of realizing that people out there, people I barely know – people with even more worries than I do, has managed to live their lives with dazzling eyes. I feel pathetic and weak every time. I don’t know how long will I be able to endure this emptiness. I can’t wait until my eyes will be able to see. I hope until then, my sanity can endure me.

I refuse to grow old like a normal person. I would shamelessly choose a short life riding horses and shooting guns, diving under the water, and getting a broken arm if given the choice. Rather than working everyday for a company or for people who couldn’t be more thankless, come home to a family that I would all my might try to hold on and make myself believe that I am happy because it’s what normal people do: be born, survive, and then die…

But death when it comes, would be much more welcoming if I know that I did not lie to myself about my own happiness. That I, in fact, had been truly happy until that moment when all I have been and all I can ever be comes to an end. I could not imagine how awful one could feel staring at death in its eyes and realizing that he has been living with his own lies. Words always fall short.

But I do have a choice. I know that. Just as it may make me, it will break hearts inevitably. Making people understand, especially the ones who are comfortable with okay, is beyond my capabilities. I want to not care. I want to think selfishly. But values I have been thought has been painstakingly been tattooed in my nutshell. It may be too hard to break. In fact, I believe it weakens me. It refrains me from being the person I want to be.

Ironic, isn’t it? That to rebuild, one must destroy. But I don’t want to just survive. Like any normal person, I want to live. I want to feel alive.

Cupid’s Candies

Tags

Cupid, Heart's Day, Love, Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine’s Day. A day when people give their loved ones flowers and gifts. A day when the mall and almost the whole damned world is filled with fancy hearts and red stuff everywhere. A day of an excuse to forget about the shits this world have thrown on our faces. A day to smile and feel important or make someone smile and feel important. Just a simple day for illusion.

I’m not much of a bitter soul, although I should admit I might be. The flowers and the thought are especially nice and sweet. Much like a candy to a child, it’s the kind of sweetness that may come too shallow but ironically deep. 

I’m not one who would reject such endearment if given some. But neither am I one who’d wear red on valentines, give flowers to anyone, or make googooo-gaga about the “occasion” – or any occasion at that.

I fear that someday I might grow a grumpy old maid out of myself. But more than that, I fear to be a slave of social norm. To live by the rule book is way out of my life goals. Somehow though, I feel I am being more of a social outcast than that of a non conformist.

For now, I could not say living these man made fantasies is absurd. After all, I never rejected candies as a child. I know that when I get older I would realize these things I enjoy today are shallow compared to what life can offer later on – those things I so dearly expect to feel. Not just an illusion of an occasion but something real. Something I would truly feel. But then, it would be such a waste if I’d let things pass only because I think they are shallow now.

But then again, some children just do not love candies as much some does.

On Behalf of Two People Hurting

The truth today may be a lie tomorrow, but it doesn’t mean it weren’t true before.

It is odd. To be single and heartbroken is confusing. It isn’t as drastic as losing a partner but it sure is as painful. In fact even twice a much. It’s like having an open wound versus having an internal hemorrhage. Fatal.

It’s sad. People say things that they don’t even realize could hurt. They do it to defend them egos. In psychiatry, it is what we would call defense mechanisms. And more often than not, it hurts other people. It’s sad, but the truth is, it hurts other people to save our selves.

And guess what? The hurting will too have to rise up his defense. And so the process never stops. Until we’re exhausted by our own ridiculously absurd childish ways and succumb to the pain and cry to our pillows and the next day pretend that we have never been hurt at all.

It’s funny. Why we, humans are so simple yet so complicated. We cannot say sorry and mean it right after we accidentally slapped someone on the face. We have to continually inflict pain with either saying nothing or sprinkle it with hurtful thoughts. Perhaps, it is all part of the healing. At least in medicine, it has been proven to be.

So now what? What then are we supposed to do at times when hurting is not a choice but a process? How could we ever take back the pain we had inflicted to the one’s who may have deserved the pain, but not the way we mean it?

“I’m sorry” will never seem to suffice. But you and I deserve to know that I have been true. There are times that I come short handed. And I cannot blame you for feeling hurt by that, especially when you thought everything was perfect until it came out. There are no excuses. I have been wrong for trying to be right. I’m sorry if I caused you pain. I know for sure we will never be what we were before, but I sincerely hope that in time we would both heal.

Sincerely,

Your used-to-be Best Friend