I dislike compromises. But I do not have the luxury to choose not to. Mostly, on all aspects of life. Well, at least at some.
Lucky are those who doesn’t have to go through hell on their way to landing their dream job. My dream job? Meeeh. Nothing that fancy. I just want to be able to work as a nurse and get paid a just amount as well. Preferably in a public hospital where my skills will be challenged. It don’t need to be high paying, but it would be a plus if it paid more than my monthly expenses. Allowing me to have occasional trips to the mall or at least support my mother’s medicine. Stuff like that.
I complain a lot I know. But I’m sure I am not the only person who would rather live than survive.
I used to love reading. I think I still do. But the overwhelming stories raining all corners of the Earth drains my energy at the very moment I lay my eyes on it. Or maybe, I just got tired of realizing that people out there, people I barely know – people with even more worries than I do, has managed to live their lives with dazzling eyes. I feel pathetic and weak every time. I don’t know how long will I be able to endure this emptiness. I can’t wait until my eyes will be able to see. I hope until then, my sanity can endure me.
I refuse to grow old like a normal person. I would shamelessly choose a short life riding horses and shooting guns, diving under the water, and getting a broken arm if given the choice. Rather than working everyday for a company or for people who couldn’t be more thankless, come home to a family that I would all my might try to hold on and make myself believe that I am happy because it’s what normal people do: be born, survive, and then die…
But death when it comes, would be much more welcoming if I know that I did not lie to myself about my own happiness. That I, in fact, had been truly happy until that moment when all I have been and all I can ever be comes to an end. I could not imagine how awful one could feel staring at death in its eyes and realizing that he has been living with his own lies. Words always fall short.
But I do have a choice. I know that. Just as it may make me, it will break hearts inevitably. Making people understand, especially the ones who are comfortable with okay, is beyond my capabilities. I want to not care. I want to think selfishly. But values I have been thought has been painstakingly been tattooed in my nutshell. It may be too hard to break. In fact, I believe it weakens me. It refrains me from being the person I want to be.
Ironic, isn’t it? That to rebuild, one must destroy. But I don’t want to just survive. Like any
normal person, I want to live. I want to feel alive.
Today is Valentine’s Day. A day when people give their loved ones flowers and gifts. A day when the mall and almost the whole
damned world is filled with fancy hearts and red stuff everywhere. A day of an excuse to forget about the shits this world have thrown on our faces. A day to smile and feel important or make someone smile and feel important. Just a simple day for illusion.
I’m not much of a bitter soul, although I should admit I might be. The flowers and the thought are especially nice and sweet. Much like a candy to a child, it’s the kind of sweetness that may come too shallow but ironically deep.
I’m not one who would reject such endearment if given some. But neither am I one who’d wear red on valentines, give flowers to anyone, or make googooo-gaga about the “occasion” – or any occasion at that.
I fear that someday I might grow a grumpy old maid out of myself. But more than that, I fear to be a slave of social norm. To live by the rule book is way out of my life goals. Somehow though, I feel I am being more of a social outcast than that of a non conformist.
For now, I could not say living these man made fantasies is absurd. After all, I never rejected candies as a child. I know that when I get older I would realize these things I enjoy today are shallow compared to what life can offer later on – those things I so dearly expect to feel. Not just an illusion of an occasion but something real. Something I would truly feel. But then, it would be such a waste if I’d let things pass only because I think they are shallow now.
But then again, some children just do not love candies as much some does.
The truth today may be a lie tomorrow, but it doesn’t mean it weren’t true before.
It is odd. To be single and heartbroken is confusing. It isn’t as drastic as losing a partner but it sure is as painful. In fact even twice a much. It’s like having an open wound versus having an internal hemorrhage. Fatal.
It’s sad. People say things that they don’t even realize could hurt. They do it to defend them egos. In psychiatry, it is what we would call defense mechanisms. And more often than not, it hurts other people. It’s sad, but the truth is, it hurts other people to save our selves.
And guess what? The hurting will too have to rise up his defense. And so the process never stops. Until we’re exhausted by our own ridiculously absurd childish ways and succumb to the pain and cry to our pillows and the next day pretend that we have never been hurt at all.
It’s funny. Why we, humans are so simple yet so complicated. We cannot say sorry and mean it right after we accidentally slapped someone on the face. We have to continually inflict pain with either saying nothing or sprinkle it with hurtful thoughts. Perhaps, it is all part of the healing. At least in medicine, it has been proven to be.
So now what? What then are we supposed to do at times when hurting is not a choice but a process? How could we ever take back the pain we had inflicted to the one’s who may have deserved the pain, but not the way we mean it?
“I’m sorry” will never seem to suffice. But you and I deserve to know that I have been true. There are times that I come short handed. And I cannot blame you for feeling hurt by that, especially when you thought everything was perfect until it came out. There are no excuses. I have been wrong for trying to be right. I’m sorry if I caused you pain. I know for sure we will never be what we were before, but I sincerely hope that in time we would both heal.
used-to-be Best Friend
I want a Blackberry Curve 9220 as much as I want a new set of wardrobe. I want an iPad 4g as much as I want a whole cabinet of new shoes. I know I don’t need it. But I want it.
I could live with a plain old Nokia phone. In fact, I have lived for the past few years with pieces of scrap I luckily managed to put together. It does me fine. It saves me money so I could indulge more to things that I usually do not notice have consumed half of my allowance. I thought it would also save me from snatchers on the street. I kept taught myself to think that it is just luxury I do not need. It was okay. But it sucks.
Today, I woke up coming to realize that I have to want more than that. I need to want more than what I have – what I can manage. It may be destructive for others, but somehow I see it as something healthy. Being satisfied of what I have is more than destructive to me. It consumed me.
I have to want. I MUST want.
I was wandering around wordpress and found this article entitled “40 Belief Shaking Remarks from a Ruthless Non-Conformist“. I suddenly missed studying philosophy and questioning life and our existence.
Here are Friedrich Neitzsche’s philosophies I found interesting/true/intruiging:
- People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.
- He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.
- The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
- There are no facts, only interpretations.
- No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.
- We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.
- Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
- God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.
- Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.
- What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.
- Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.
- Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.
- All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
- What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.
- Fear is the mother of morality.
- A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.
- Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.
- The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.
- What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.
- We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
**I’m not really sure if my interpretations of such wisdom were right. Nonetheless, I found every single bit of it true. True to my interpretations if I may say.